


Holding On And Letting Go

by shinidamachu



Category: InuYasha - A Feudal Fairy Tale, Inuyasha - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Inukag Angst, Inukag Multichapter, Kagome Higurashi - Freeform, inukag - Freeform, inuyasha - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-01-16 02:49:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18512356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinidamachu/pseuds/shinidamachu
Summary: He wanted time to pass him by as fast as it could. Fast enough to lose all its meaning until the day he would hold her again. She wanted time to stop. The ghosts of everything she was missing and the irrational fear of being forgotten too much to bear. They had always believed time was on their side. But time turned its back on them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was wondering what would be like if Inukag had developed the habit of talking to each other through the well despite knowing there would be no response. This is a compiled of these moments, so is basically a plotless, short story with few chapters.

InuYasha would never admit it, not even to the Gods themselves, but he was exhausted like he has never been before.

_She would have noticed it_ , he thought to himself, slowly making his way to the Honekui no Ido. _She would have called me a liar to my face when I said I was fine and made me rest either I liked it or not_. The only problem was he didn’t need to rest.

He needed her.

And the idea that she may be permanently out of his reach seemed so absurd he couldn’t bring himself to fathom it at all.

InuYasha knew when resplendent lights involved him against his will and saw it on her face as the well abruptly casted him back into his own era. Something was wrong.

Kaede was the one to explain, earlier that day, what happened. The Honekui no Ido had served its purpose marvelously and now that their mission had come to an end, the magic that connected their worlds faded. InuYasha understood that.

Yet he refused to accept it.

So there he was, alone in the middle of the night, claws buried deep into the woodend edges of the well, eyes fixed on its bottom. It didn’t look any different from the outside. Swallowing the lump that had lodged in his throat since he returned, the hanyou jumped inside.

It hurted even more than he had imagined when his feet touched the ground.

He _knew_ it would happen — as if he was fated to watch helpless while she slipped through his fingers again and again — but pretending he could dive into the Honekui no Ido in one moment and be holding her in the next when he wasn’t absolutely certain he couldn’t was the only way to make things bearable. After all, lying to himself was the only kind of lie he was good at.

There was no pretending now, the portal wasn’t there anymore.

He sat there and let defeatense involve him in the dark.

“We finally did it.” He said, in the tone he saved just for her. “Naraku is gone and everyone else is fine. It’s over now. We won.” Without his consent a heavy sigh followed. “Then why do I feel like I lost everything?”

Then InuYasha realized what his exhaustion was about. He could probably fight a thousand youkais one by one at that very moment — courtesy of being a hanyou. But not even demon blood could heal a broken heart.

“No.” He shook his head, jaw clenching in determination. “I’m not losing you. So do what you gotta do and come back, you hear me? I’ll be waiting _right_ _here_.” As his arms crossed, echoes of his own voice was the only response. “Come back to me.”

* * *

 Kagome had tried _everything_.

From resorting to her spiritual powers to praying — and going as far as using her grandpa’s old charms —, nothing seemed to work. No matter what she did, the well insisted on remain as inactive as it was before she turned fifteen.

Even though Kagome had been trapped in her era before, this was a entirely different situation. She could no longer feel the magnetic presence that captivated her soul in ways she had yet to fully comprehend.

It infuriated and terrified her at the same time.

Both hands on her waist, gazing at the wooden structure, she closed the short distance with unwavering purpose. For the fifth time that day, she dived into the Honekui no Ido, and for the fifth time that day, nothing happened.

Frustration clasped her hands into a trembling fist.

“WHY — WON’T — YOU — WORK?” She jumped between the words, letting anger fill the gap among them in a pathetic attempt to restore the lost portal. Realizing flushed cheeks and white knuckles would be her only achievement, Kagome sat on her knees.

“I can’t get back.” The more the phrase resounded through her mind the more it lost its meaning.

It had been days since Kagome had last seen him. She was still not sure of how it happened or why. In one second InuYasha was there, watching as she involved her mother in a cramped hug. In the other, he disappeared and she was left screaming his name and staring to the empty bottom of the old construction.

The well hasn’t worked ever since.

After several minutes being held captive by paralyzing despair, Kagome decided to leave. The last thing she needed was to worry her family even more.

There was no use in staying, anyway. With the jewel vanished forever, no magical happenstance would miraculously save her this time.

“I’m sorry.” Was the last thing she whispered before climbing her way out.

* * *

“It’s been weeks and they’re still tiptoeing around me.” Inuyasha let the back of his head fall on the wooden surface and focused on the clouds drifting through the blue sky — even them seemed to have a place to be. “It’s so irritating! Acting so fucking nice all the time and pretending it’s their normal behavior as if I couldn’t tell the difference, telling me you’d want me to be happy as if I didn’t know that already!”

Deep down, InuYasha appreciated the concern of his friends, but there was nothing they could possibly do to make him feel better. They couldn’t just ignore her absence and go on as if nothing happened, but they couldn’t keep treating him with such caution either. Ultimately, it only made him feel like a burden.

That was why InuYasha valued those moments alone in the sole spot in the whole land where he could feel closer to her, when he didn’t have to put up a tough facade or threaten to cut off the head of whoever asked if he was alright. It was almost peaceful.

“In the meanwhile, your scent faded away.” The hanyou informed, trying not to sound too desperate about it. He could either face reality or get smashed by it, and as far as reality was concerned, Kagome’s aroma — both a source of comfort and a reassurance of her presence — was doomed to disappear eventually. InuYasha wasn’t eager to face a world without her smell in it. He had done it before and it positively sucked. “Everything feels so wrong without it.” He made a long pause. “They want to help me? Why don’t they bring you back to fix this yourself?” InuYasha felt his lips curve into a lifeless smile. “Yeah, didn’t think so.”

Although the half demon knew he wasn’t being fair to his friends — without them he would be in a much darker place — right then he didn’t care.

Few were the things he still cared for.

* * *

“Well, the mess you made in the kitchen was completely fixed a while ago.” Kagome smiled affectionately at the memory of InuYasha destroying her sink in the name of killing a cockroach, but it didn’t last long. “It’s like you’ve never been here.”

 Suddenly, the truthfulness of the statement sinked in. _It really is like that, isn’t it?_   She embraced her legs and let her chin rest on her knees.

It was a deeply hidden fear of hers, that someday he would be gone and she would be left with nothing to proof that everything they’ve been through had been real, not just a fairytale with a bittersweet ending that her mind had created out of boredom.

“I still have your cap in my bedroom, though. It was never used before you came along, so I don’t quite know what to do with it. Truth be told, I don’t know what to do with myself, either.”

While in their quest to defeat Naraku, Kagome had so thoughtfully concentrated on the mission that she left to worry about ‘after’ when that moment came. Now ‘after’ was here and it was nothing like she had imagined.

She sighed.

“We didn’t even have the chance to say goodbye.” Always the optimistic, the priestess shook the depressing thought off. “Maybe it’s for the best.” Goodbyes were for people who needed closure and that was the last thing Kagome wanted. Besides, she didn’t trust herself to simply let him go if the opportunity was given. “How could I ever say goodbye to you, after all?”

If her past experiences had taught her something was that the bond they shared wasn’t the type of thing one could merely walk away from. The Honekui no Ido may never work again, but the invisible force that tied their destinies together remained strong. Kagome could feel it pulsing within her veins.

Unfortunately, it didn’t make things any easier.

The sobs came without warning.

“I know you hate when I cry...” She managed to say between short breaths, failing on keeping composure. “But you’re not here, so…”

Unceremoniously, Kagome allowed the tears to pour.

 


	2. Chapter 2

 “‘S strange.” He said, late in the night — another one without her. They piled up around him. Vicious. Uncaring. It took him right back to his lonely childhood nights, wandering helpless, grieving an irreparable loss and avoiding the monsters in the dark.  


Except the monsters were now a ghost who he ran to every three days, begging to be haunted.  


The nights then felt as long as the nights now and yet, it was his favorite time to attend the well, knowing the low odd of getting disturbed or caught saying something embarrassing, since the villagers were fast asleep.  


“You taught me how to feel again.” He continued, remembering how naturally Kagome teared his guard apart, a guard he had build out of past sorrows and rebuild — even stronger — out of mistrust, made to be impenetrable. “And I did. Mostly for you.” He shrugged. “Now that you ain’t here. What am I supposed to do with it?”  


InuYasha waited for the miraculous answer he knew not to come. Not that he believed in miracles or any of the sort — not for someone with the likes of him, anyway —, but because he was truly lost.  


All the love he held belonged to Kagome and to Kagome only. It was killing him that he couldn’t just give it to her.

 

* * *

 

“Sometimes I still boil an extra cup of ramen. And yes,” Kagome answered the comment, made by absolutely nobody, that she knew for sure InuYasha would if he was there. “I know it’s stupid. Old habits die hard, I guess.”  


The more time passed by, the less she wanted to think about it. Days, weeks, months. None of it made sense anymore. She sighed and looked outside the wellhouse, a summer breeze agitating the Goshinboku leaves under the sunlight.  


“I also keep waiting for you to burst out here and take me away at any moment, complaining I was taking too long, like you always did.”  


The fact that he hadn’t, after all this time, was a clear indication that their situation was final, because if he could, Kagome was certain InuYasha would have come for her long ago.  


“I wish you would.” She said, ignoring the lifeless well and the truth she couldn’t face just yet.

 

* * *

 

 “You really got me spoiled, I hope you know.”

   
It was true. Hunting was not nearly as appealing as before and whatever food the humans cooked wasn’t quite as tasteful as hers.

   
Besides, since Naraku was defeated, InuYasha oddly found himself wanting to settled down in one place, for a change.

   
The slayer and the monk had already married and started their family there. Shippo spent all of his free time in the village too. Perhaps InuYasha could do the same. It was about time he stopped bother his friends on every cold or moonless night.

   
“I don’t think they’ll mind if I build myself a hut.” Far enough so that he could keep some peace and quiet, close enough so that he could be there in a heartbeat if trouble comes to them. With space to spare, for the runt to crash if he so wants. InuYasha smiled. Kagome would like that. “Nearby water. I remember how obsessed you are with those baths of yours.”

   
He blushed at the phrased implication, but never took it back. Simply because he meant it. Of course he did. Kagome has been a part of his future long before he came to realize it and ages before he cared to admit it. InuYasha would be damned if he stopped idealizing how their life together would be like now.

   
Even if she looked lost for him forever, how was he supposed to believe that when everything was a constant reminder of her?

   
Every time he stumbled on one of their uninformed old friends they asked about her, not used to seeing one without the other. Every time he wield Tessaiga in battle, he thought about the brave girl who managed to pull it out of his old man’s grave when no one else could. And every time he rested next to the Goshinboku, he played back the day they met in his head.

   
That was why he kept long exorcism trips with Miroku to a minimum, why he could never leave this place even if the whole village suddenly demanded him to, why he was always praying, dreaming, hoping...

   
Just in case she comes back.

   
“Keh, even if they did care, I’d like to see ‘em try and do something about it. ‘Cause I ain’t going anywhere.” InuYasha informed. “Not without you.”

 

* * *

 

 “It’s true what they say, you know?” Kagome rested her cheek on the edge of the Honekui no Ido as the fatigue of a long day finally caught up to her. “You _do_ learn to live with it eventually. What they _don’t_ tell is that you don’t forget. Not ever. You’re on my mind when I less expect, even when you shouldn’t, even when I idly let myself believe I’m moving on… I miss you so much”

   
The bottom line, however, was that she didn’t want to move on. It could make things easier and maybe her friends would stop pointing out how often she seems to forget to smile lately.

   
Still, Kagome cultivated his memory pinned deep inside her brain, because the only thing stronger than the need to move on was the fear to forget.

   
And she was terrified.

   
In countless occasions she had wished to be an artist, only to immortalize his features when the cruelty of time fatally made it all fade away. The strong jawline, the cute ears, the impossible golden tone of his eyes.

   
But remembering hurt and Kagome knew InuYasha felt the same way — which made it all worse because she wanted him to be happy. With or without her, his happiness has always been the priority she held highest on the top of her list.

   
At the same time, the selfish part of her, the one she tried so hard to keep sealed and hidden, was reluctant to let go of whatever little room it had claimed in his heart.

   
“Don’t forget about me, okay?” She said, eyes closing under the low moonlight that entered through the open door.

   
Sometimes that selfish part wins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

Life was but a palid echo of what used to be, now that her presence was no longer there to color it, and as it moved forward, only one thought chanted through his mind with each lonely conversation by the well, threatening to stifle his hopes to death.  **  
**

_Maybe I shouldn’t come here anymore._

His survival instincts joined frustration and sorrow in that chorus, adding with a mighty screaming that, of all times, he certainly shouldn’t be there  _that_ night.

Because the moon wasn’t shining and he felt desperately weak and none of it mattered when he was entirely sure that five hundred years from then, Kagome was sitting at the very same spot, at that exact moment.

And she would always be worth the risk.

Looking back, InuYasha couldn’t remember a single new moon night since they met in which Kagome wasn’t there for him. Even when he would tell her not to, even when he lied he was fine, even when he didn’t deserve her to stay at all.

Ever since she was gone, InuYasha had settled into a routine of coming to the well every three days. Regardless, he always went there in the new moons and — call him crazy — it was when he could feel her the best.

So in the end, it wasn’t much of a choice and even if it was, he knew what his would be.

He would choose her. For all those times he couldn’t. Day after day. He would choose her and he would keep on choosing her until he took his last breath on this world, hoping that would be enough somehow.

Smiling at the thought of her obstinate face on the many occasions she had decided to stay up with him, InuYasha gave her the same answer. 

“Go to sleep, Kagome.”

 

* * *

 

 

She could never sleep on those nights.

They were too dark.

Not the  _good_ kind of dark, like the bright tone his hair must be displaying at that very moment. No. It was the worst kind. The one that suffocated her courage, that left her lost and lonely, wary of anything that might jump on her as soon as she let her guard down. The one that kept her from seeing the stars.

Of course, spending new moons awake wasn’t something she was a stranger to. Since Kagome was fifteen, once a month, she had stayed up with InuYasha until the first rays of sunshine brought back what night had stolen. It was a marvellous experience every time.

She still remembered how vulnerable he could get — both physically and emotionally — when he was a human and how much he hated it, but she also recalled the gentle drop of his voice and the way his touch used to get sweeter, tempting her to delve into that mysterious part of who he was.

“Back then you acted like it didn’t happen, but the more I think about it, the more I’m sure you remember saying I smelled nice, that one night.” Kagome cherished that memory to this day, even though enough time had passed to make her feel like it belonged to someone else. Without realizing and yet so efficiently, he had swept her off her feet for the first of what turned out to be countless occasions.

When the fear that she might never find out whether or not her suspicions were true stared her in the face, Kagome pulled the blanket even closer around her.

Now, with the well sealed, her heart was heavy with concern. Being apart from InuYasha in the moments she  _knew_ he needed her the most contradicted each cell of her body.

And so, she had settled for the next best thing.

Every new moon after their fateful separation, without fail, she waited for the dawn beside the Honekui no Ido and recited the same prayer, over and over again.

“Please, be okay. Please, please,  _please_ be okay.”

 

* * *

 

 

“ _Sonuvabitch_!” That had to be the third or so root he had tripped on. Trying to catch his balance, InuYasha resumed the staggering walk into the clearing, where the Honekui no Ido stood imposing.

Spinning the way it was, the old thing seemed to mock him. Why wouldn’t it? After taking Kagome away without giving him so much as a chance to fight for her, it was only fitting that his impotence got ridiculed.

From afar, InuYasha gazed the well with narrowed eyes, as if it was a viper ready to attack — not that it could kill him or anything, it just brought a lot of pain and it was a fucking nuisance. Differently from the Bone Eater, though, the viper he could slay, at least.

InuYasha took a sip from the sake on his hand, suddenly remembering why he was there. 

“Sooooooo sorry to interrupt K’gome. No no no I know ya too busy not bein’ here. I just got a few things I’d like to say.” He took a step closer, wiping the liquid from his lips with the back of his hand. InuYasha cleared his throat in an act of drunk courage. “I love ya.”

He let the words sink in, proud of finally being able to say it out loud. She would never hear it, but stil...

“I’ve loved ya so long and I know ’s too late and I know you’d think I’m drunk but ‘s no true. Y’know what’s true? This think taste like piss ‘n none of it matter ‘cause ya no comin’ back are ya? ‘N I’ll spend the rest of my life talkin’ to a fuckin’ well!”

InuYasha threw the jug as hard and far as he could, its crashing fleeing the animals deep into the forest’s shadows and intoxicating the air with the suffocating smell of alcohol. He paid no mind to it.

Finally reaching the wooden walls, InuYasha let himself lean against it. 

“Ain’t that just fuckin’ funny?” He asked, his eyes closing.

 

* * *

 

 

Kagome wasn’t going to cry. Not this time.  **  
**

After so long, her tears turned into dry fury.

In the course of her life, rage had been a capricious emotion — it slammed in uninvited, a supernova of screams and storming off that exploded whenever her temper got the best of her.

To say she had been angry before was an understatement. 

Kagome  _had_ been angry countless times. With her friends, when they got too pushy. With Sota, because as much as they loved each other, they were siblings and it was physically impossible not to. With Sesshoumaru, Kikyo, Naraku and each complication the later created along the way. Even with her father, for dying — although she never admitted out loud. With herself, every now and then, and Math and InuYasha both had chapters all of their own in this department.

Sometimes she could be unfair or overreact, which would come to her attention after the fire had extinguished, making her apologise when an apology was due.

The feeling she experienced now, glaring down the empty darkness of the well, was nothing like it.

She had only felt that anger in rare moments. It creeps in through an open door, burning cold and silent.

“What was the point of it all, then?” Kagome wasn’t sure who or what she was talking to, but for the first time, it wasn’t InuYasha. “I was living my life and I could spend the rest of it just fine thinking Grandpa’s stories were only that. But  _you_ sucked me into that mess because  _you_ needed me there. And I played my part, I played it pretty well.” Her low, iced voice carried a hint of danger that could make men twice her size shiver. “You used me for my powers and now that you don’t need me anymore, it’s all over? Just like that?” She shook her head, eyes burning with the tears she refused to let drop, making the situation even more infuriating. “That’s  _not_ how it works. You can’t toy with people’s feelings like that. The least you can do is let me get back.  _Let me get back_!”

Her breath quickened uncontrollably and she could swear the walls were closing around her.

“Kagome.”

The sweet sound caught her off guard, making her unclench her teeth and free the wooden edges from her grip. As soon as she turned to met those eyes, the wrath inside melted to a sobbing crying. They ran to each other and before she knew it, Kagome fell apart into the embrace of the woman who had been her rock through it all.

“Mama...” Kagome clung to her, feeling like a child and not caring in the slightest. She didn’t know how much her mom had listened, but the woman simply stood there, petting her hair and letting Kagome soak her shoulder.

“I know, honey. I know.”

‘ _Tomorrow I am not going to cry_ ’, she promised to herself, ‘ _not tomorrow_ ’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for deciding to read this.
> 
> Don't know what you'll think of drunk InuYasha. It was just a scene that came to my mind when I thought of writing this story. I didn't get into details but he jumped into that Master of Potions guy and decided to give it a try because he misses her too much and it couldn't get any worse, anyway (it could since he woke up with a major hangover). Oh, and Kagome feeling used is a personal headcanon of mine I mean... homegirl fixed everything and now that the mission is done she is quicked out and doesn't get her happy ending? Bullshit!
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you guys think!
> 
> Hey @simply_zerah, this chapter is for you! Thank you for all the kind reviews! I don't deserve you!
> 
> And a big thanks to @keichanz for letting me use her new moon headcanon (she is Da Best). It was love at first sigh!


	4. Chapter 4

“I’m the one to blame and I know it. That’s the worst part.” InuYasha confessed to the dorment well in one of those nights, when he missed Kagome so dearly it was downright suffocating. **  
**

He would never forget the moment when she first taught him about the universe — how it was infinite and always expanding. He still remembered how small and overwhelmed it made him feel. 

Even now, that the memory was old and dusty, InuYasha felt the same. Missing Kagome was just like the universe — infinite and always expanding — and he was only himself, powerless and infinitesimal when faced with the immensity of it all.

“I shoulda fought harder for you.” The claws piercing his palm compensated the lack of emotion on the statement. “Not just that last time...” He shook his head, his brain flooded with images of the time they were forced apart and how he had been unable to do anything besides watch it happen. “But before that too. I shoulda told ya how much you meant to me, even though you knew already. I shoulda kissed you each chance I got. I shoulda apologized more.”

A lump housed in his throat as he recounted their journey on his mind, making sure to linger on the mistakes he made with the rawness of salt thrown straight into an open wound. Every argument they ever had seemed so pointless now, and yet, what wouldn’t he give for one more quarrel, if only to hear her voice again?

“ _And I shouldn’t have let you go!_ ” All at once, the all too familiar anger started bubbling in the depths of his stomach, surfacing through his intonation. “What the _hell_ was I thinking? That just because I wasn’t a selfish asshole for once, everything would be just fine at the end? It ain’t how life works! You’d think someone like me woulda learned that by now.”

Sitting on the grass, InuYasha fought the urge to scream in frustration. It was all bullshit. All of it.

“Before you, I didn’t use to do the right thing and we both know it. So why the fuck should I keep doing it now? ‘S not like it would bring you back.”

Deep down, InuYasha knew the answer. In the end of the day, her happiness and well being were way more important than his self-centered desires, and ultimately, he would never jeopardize all the effort he had put into becoming the man she showed him he could be — a man deserving of her. It didn’t mean he couldn’t feel sorry for himself, just a little.

“They already had at least fifteen years of you in their lives, but we... We didn’t have enough time.”

Part of him argued that it would never be sufficient, no matter how many lifetimes they got bestowed with. The other part reminded him of all the times he had pushed her away.

InuYasha acknowledged his greediness right then. Kagome had already given him more than he ever dared to dream and admittedly more than he deserved. Most of his kind would die without knowing so much as the prospect of love, while he had experienced it in every shape. Because of Kagome, he had finally found a place where he belonged, with people who accepted him. That should have been more than enough.

And yet there he was, asking for more as if he was entitled to it, as if every good thing in his life wasn’t as bright as it could be if she was around.

What an ungrateful bastard he was.

“I need you more than they ever could, anyway.” InuYasha went on, wondering why is was so much easier admitting these things when there was no chance for her o listen. “If you ever come back, I’d do everything different. No more wasting time, no more acting stupid. I’d even tell you how much I love your food and the way you smell, ‘cause I do, _I always did_.”

He once believed that Kagome was born to meet him. Now it looked they were doomed from the start.

“Just come back and see.”

 

* * *

 

If the Honekui no Ido was a Wishing Well, her wish would be him.

She knew it was selfish, but it was true.

There was nothing she cared about more, nothing else she wanted so fiercely in her supposedly fulfilled life.

Day and night, she dreamed of better worlds, where they never had to be more than a heartbeat away from each other. If she could, she would change her own, just to fit him in it the same way his Fire-Rat robe used to fit around her shoulders — warm and familiar — and he would know he was safe and sound. She would rewrite each cosmical rule keeping them from being together, speak over the prejudiced voices whispering their bigotry at them, shield him from the hurtful things he pretended to be indifferent to even though it broke his heart. And they would get the happy ending they deserved.

“All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.” Kagome remembered that day, swallowed by the sands of time, when she sat in the very well she now leaned against, and faced with these same emotions, asked InuYasha to stay with him. It was the moment she realized no amount of nasty blows to her ego could make her walk away. Her happiness was tangled with his. “And I promised you I would always be by your side. I guess things never work the way we plan, but I want you to know I would have kept my word. I still intend to.”

Kagome deliberately looked at the pile of books beside her. Most of them turned out to be useless, brimming with inaccurate information. A couple of few managed to carried interesting material and maybe Kagome could even teach Kaede a thing or two if she ever accomplished her main goal, but the rest were not written to be taken serious at all.

The girl, however, was no fool. It was highly unlikely that the solution she was looking for would be laying in a long lost book, and that just like in the climax scene of a hollywoodian movie, she would decode its manuscript, unsealing the magical time portal, consequently, reaching the anticipated joyous outcome, white letters rolling up the screen and lights turning on to reveal a clapping audience.

But what could she do except keep trying? The alternatives were way too depressing and _she had promised him_. She owed him — owed both of them — that much, and it gave her a purpose. Doing _something_ felt good, even if _something_ meant a new burn to a cauterized heart. What was a little drop of frustration for someone drenched on its rain? What was a little wave of sorrow for someone drowning on its waters?

It was also a good distraction from math problems and her oblivious — despite of  well meaning — friends. She welcomed those distractions as much as the lamppost lights that guided her way home.

Truth was, too many new moons had passed and it wasn’t lost on Kagome that the separation would affect her and InuYasha differently. While he knew she was out of danger, secure with her family in pacific modern era Japan, that same courtesy was never offered to her.

Sure, Naraku was gone and InuYasha would always have Tessaiga, as well as their friends, to support and protect him. But he was still a cocky half demon with a remarkable talent to lost his temper and a pretty respectful list of enemies. Trouble would find him one way or another. 

Part of her wondered if it already did and, as much as it hurt to consider it, that was why he never met her after the five hundred years gap. But then again, it could also mean that he didn’t have to, because she found a way to get back on her own. 

Her attention went back to the open book on her lap.

“I just… I just need to see if you’re okay.” Pleaded Kagome, aware of her own lie the second it left her lips. Just a glimpse of him, brief and distant as it may, and she could never walk away.

The night came and went as she devoured the pages, in vain. Then daylight touched Earth, imposing and golden like his eyes.

 

* * *

 

The sky was so clear, not a single cloud dared to taint its dazzling blue. Around him, InuYasha could see all the summer colors, as bright as they were, from the floating orange of the butterflies to the endless rainbow of flowers gifted to them by a generous spring. Nearby, he could hear the birds singing their jubilant melodies and the village’s children playing under the sun.

It was a beautiful morning and he hated it.

A day like that without Kagome to enjoy it was such a waste. Everything about it seemed pointless — wrong, somehow — since she wasn’t there to see it.

Particularly, he had grown fond of the cloudy days. It was much easier to blend in. Everybody gets a little sad when it rains.

But InuYasha couldn’t control the weather and certainly he couldn’t extinguish the distance separating them either, as he had previously learned. All he could do was sit there and wait for her.

“And now the little brats are getting old enough to chase _me_ around.” Continued InuYasha, on yet another detailed report Kagome would never hear. “‘S a nightmare, I’ll tell ya. Not even you or your mom were so obsessed with my ears and that’s sayin’ a lot.”

His heart clenched at the thought of the kind woman who had treated him like a son from the very start, but it didn’t last long, as he could practically hear Kagome’s giggles. He had no doubt she would find the whole situation insanely amusing, much to his pretended annoyance.

He didn’t even try to fight his smile.

“Can you believe it? Miroku and Sango have twins!” InuYasha exclaimed, because he sure as hell still couldn’t, no matter how many times the living proofs climbed over him, pulled his hair or pestered his poor ears. “I mean, ‘course you can. You saw it coming way before I did.”

Well, not even her wildest guess would have bet on twins right away, but the important thing was the monk and the slayer were really making marriage work. InuYasha would give anything to see her smug I-Told-You-So expression.

“They’re really happy.” And they had every reason to be. Against all odds, they were together, they had a family. After so much trauma, fights and goodbyes, they managed to stood side by side at the end. They had earned that. InuYasha knew it. And he wanted to be happy for them. _He was_ happy for them. He just couldn’t shake the terrible feeling that would come along with every look, touch or gleeful moments shared between the couple: _it should have been Kagome and I_. 

Then guilt would hit him like a punch, making him avoid the pair for a while just to feel even worse. It was much harder to feel happy for someone else when his own happiness was in the other side of the well with her. 

“They miss you, though.”

 

* * *

 

“Congratulations!” Kagome walked in, dropping her purse to the base of the Honekui no Ido to grasp her hair in exasperation. “You have finally made Tokyo boring and I thought this was impossible!”

The schoolgirl spent the whole day out, passing by parks and stores that had been so fascinating to her in the past, but that now just couldn’t catch her eyes. 

Since she was a little child, she always felt her city like a living entity. Pulsating, stimulating, a surprise on every turn.

Then, years ago, she had fallen into that damned well and the conception of adventure that she once had changed forever.

In that new, exciting land, Kagome had been a fish out of temporal water, but then she decorated the tides and made them her habitat. Now that she was isolated from it, she missed it like crazy and the place she used to call home didn’t felt like home anymore.

She was a fish out of water again, but this time in her own town.

The city lights were as pretty as ever, but they could never match the starry night sky from Feudal Era and the more she walked through the comfortable pavement, the more she longed for the freshy grass. It was sickening and frightening.

For her family, Kagome desperately kept trying to make things go back to the way it was before — Studying, hanging out with her friends, helping in the shrine. She never told them it wasn’t working. There was no need to hurt them over nothing.

But she didn’t belong there. And she hadn’t for quite a while.

“What do I do?” She whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One day I’ll write something that isn’t angst again... but today was not that day. Thank you for reading, tho. It means a lot to me. Oh, and let me know if you want to be tagged or something. See ya!

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably not the content you guys would be into. I’m sorry. Just blame it on Ross Copperman.


End file.
